MTV is Horseshit May 8, 2008

People tell me MTV used to be cool. That it used to play nothing but music videos. I believe them. I never got in on that action because my Dad wasn’t huge on TV and we were discouraged from watching it. I’m glad we were, because these days my tastes in television are discriminating. Now, I’m not one of those obnoxious people who opens their mouth the second any show is mentioned to say “I don’t really watch TV.” I hate those people. I watch some TV. And I still have a functioning intellect.

Unless MTV has anything to do with it.

As lofty as I try to be with my boob-tube tendencies (”In Treatment”, “Weeds”, “John Adams” on HBO, “Planet Earth” on the Discovery Channel…okay you get it) a couple crappy ones have snuck in under the radar. I call “America’s Next Top Model” my “model crack” because I get a fix off it that would make any heroin addict’s eyes roll back in her head appreciatively. I’m definitely on the “Project Runway” bandwagon because that show is the shit, even if the contestants do tend to get into some dumb-ass drama for the benefit of the cameras. I don’t care, the clothes are pretty. 

I have no excuse for “The Hills.”

I have a scapegoat to blame (my roommate made me watch it in the first place) but lately I’ve caught myself throwing it on when said scapegoat is nowhere to be found. I watched recently with a couple of “Hills” virgins and our collective horror opened my eyes to what a bad trip MTV really has us on. Dead-behind-the-eyes, plastic surgified idiots who personify vacancy with chilling finesse gossiping about each other to the other soulless mannequins who make up their supporting cast (see: “Lo, Lauren’s friend” or “Stephanie, Spencer’s sister”). They should change the name from “The Hills” to “Idiots Talking Shit”. In expensive condos. And trendy restaurants. And trendier nightclubs. And outfits that cost more than my rent. And cars that cost more than my parents’ home is worth.

When I turn off the TV and my brain slowly emerges from its paralytic state, I try to think about why so many people watch “Idiots Talking Shit.” Rationally, I get it: we all like to talk shit, and we all wish we were rich–why not watch rich kids talk shit? But I fear there are far more sinister forces at work. After all, this “scripted reality” bullshit nightmare is on a network called: MUSIC TELEVISION. What the fuck? Where did the fucking music go? MTV might have started as music television, but it has morphed into something strange and damaging. And it’s unpleasant to contemplate just how many of us are hooked. Hell, I include myself in that statement. It’s time to throw away the dirty needles. No more “The Hills” for me. I’m walking away from the steaming, reeking pile of dung that MTV has become.

But I’m going to keep watching “America’s Next Top Model.”